Monday, July 4, 2011
Holy Cow!
Its been over six months since my last post. Life got a little crazy for a while...but I am working on some new post. Keep checking in! I will be writing a lot over the next few weeks. Recap of the last few months! Sorry I am such a bad blogger...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Super freak. Super freak. I'm super freaky.
I learned something about myself over the last couple of months. I am a control freak. I had never realized this before...and I don’t think I was like this pre-stroke. But, turns out that when I’m not in control I turn into a super freak. Silly things like not being in control of my own schedule, having a lot of my future depend on a test or not knowing where or what I’ll be doing in the next year. My latest episode started during my W.T.F weekend, I think, and then quickly spiraled. I went to worrying about the future to freaking out when I forgot to bring my coupons to the store (really??...)The root cause of all this started with my newest endeavor- applying to grad school!
I am in the process of applying to Masters programs in Public Health. I decided this sometime after my stroke, but I’m not sure it was the cause of the decision. I work for a Health System Risk Management Department. At work, I see everything that could possibly go wrong in medicine. When I was getting my bachelor’s degree in Brain, Behavior and Cognitive Sciences, my end goal was going to Medical School. However, the longer I work in Risk Management the less I want to be a physician. I think there are greater problems that need to be addressed at a policy and administrative level so that patients and their families receive the care they are entitled to.
I also think that health promotion and health behavior is extremely important to stop diseases progression and prevent illnesses. This insight I gathered post-stroke. If I could have done ANYTHING to prevent my stroke, I would have done it 300%. After lots of test/theories/studies. my stroke was categorized as Spontaneous. That means that there was nothing physically wrong with me that caused my stroke, it was a freak occurrence. I’m pretty thankful that I don’t have any disease/condition that caused my stroke, but every once in a while I wish I did.
Let me explain, because I think this is why I am now a control freak. If there was something wrong with me, then doctors could monitor it and I could actively treat it. I would feel somewhat in control of my health beyond what I actively do to stay healthy. But because it was spontaneous, though the chance is low, it could happen again randomly, and that I can’t control-- that is some scary shit. This is one of the many reasons I choose to be as active and healthy as I can be. One thing that my doctors told me after my stroke is that I recovered so well because I was in such good shape. It’s scary for me to think that if it does happen again and I’m not in top physical shape the outcome could be different.
My control issue became clear as attempted to select public health programs to apply to. It is a tough decision to make for anyone, but for me it made me feel like I wasn’t in control of anything. Applying to grad school is scary enough without all the worries I live with daily. I know that uncertainty isn’t fun for anyone, but for me brings back the panic I felt laying on the side of the road in Canada not being able to get up. Even though I know that I actually have control of my life and that it will be okay, sometimes I just can’t help feeling like that. I’m sure others have known how much of a super freak I am all along....but for me it was a surprise. So, I’ve been a super freak lately, over reacting about the smallest things ..I apologize if anyone felt the full brunt of my latest episode. But hey, now I know and I can try to manage it better. I’m a super freak…but, who isn’t?
I am in the process of applying to Masters programs in Public Health. I decided this sometime after my stroke, but I’m not sure it was the cause of the decision. I work for a Health System Risk Management Department. At work, I see everything that could possibly go wrong in medicine. When I was getting my bachelor’s degree in Brain, Behavior and Cognitive Sciences, my end goal was going to Medical School. However, the longer I work in Risk Management the less I want to be a physician. I think there are greater problems that need to be addressed at a policy and administrative level so that patients and their families receive the care they are entitled to.
I also think that health promotion and health behavior is extremely important to stop diseases progression and prevent illnesses. This insight I gathered post-stroke. If I could have done ANYTHING to prevent my stroke, I would have done it 300%. After lots of test/theories/studies. my stroke was categorized as Spontaneous. That means that there was nothing physically wrong with me that caused my stroke, it was a freak occurrence. I’m pretty thankful that I don’t have any disease/condition that caused my stroke, but every once in a while I wish I did.
Let me explain, because I think this is why I am now a control freak. If there was something wrong with me, then doctors could monitor it and I could actively treat it. I would feel somewhat in control of my health beyond what I actively do to stay healthy. But because it was spontaneous, though the chance is low, it could happen again randomly, and that I can’t control-- that is some scary shit. This is one of the many reasons I choose to be as active and healthy as I can be. One thing that my doctors told me after my stroke is that I recovered so well because I was in such good shape. It’s scary for me to think that if it does happen again and I’m not in top physical shape the outcome could be different.
My control issue became clear as attempted to select public health programs to apply to. It is a tough decision to make for anyone, but for me it made me feel like I wasn’t in control of anything. Applying to grad school is scary enough without all the worries I live with daily. I know that uncertainty isn’t fun for anyone, but for me brings back the panic I felt laying on the side of the road in Canada not being able to get up. Even though I know that I actually have control of my life and that it will be okay, sometimes I just can’t help feeling like that. I’m sure others have known how much of a super freak I am all along....but for me it was a surprise. So, I’ve been a super freak lately, over reacting about the smallest things ..I apologize if anyone felt the full brunt of my latest episode. But hey, now I know and I can try to manage it better. I’m a super freak…but, who isn’t?
Monday, December 20, 2010
I'm a bad, bad blogger
I have been totally MIA for two months. I'm still alive and kicking, promise! Life gets busy sometimes. But more blogs are coming! Including why I am a SUPER freak, and my crazy graduate school applications. Turns out, I'm applying to school in California? (what??) Brace yourselves, my blogging break is over!!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
W.T.F
Michigan Football had a bye week this past weekend and I didn’t have a wedding... so I had a WHOLE weekend to catch up on whatever non-football nor wedding related things I’ve been neglecting for the past two months. I basically live and breathe football from Labor day to OSU weekend, and I love it! But this weekend in lieu of watching football, I watched some random TV... This may have been a mistake.
I caught an episode of The Biggest Loser. On this particular season the contestants ran a marathon. Although I don’t watch this show consistently, I generally enjoy the concept. It brings out my dorky Public Health side. I like that the show encourages people to be healthy (...ignoring the fact that they get “healthy” in a not so healthy way..), but I have to say this episode just pissed me off.
While I was in the hospital my sister got me one of these:
I caught an episode of The Biggest Loser. On this particular season the contestants ran a marathon. Although I don’t watch this show consistently, I generally enjoy the concept. It brings out my dorky Public Health side. I like that the show encourages people to be healthy (...ignoring the fact that they get “healthy” in a not so healthy way..), but I have to say this episode just pissed me off.
While I was in the hospital my sister got me one of these:
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| From Etsy.com |
It mirrored my thoughts about my stroke perfectly, and still does. Because, really? WTF. Watching The Biggest Loser brought back a lot of these feelings. I still don’t understand why I, a perfectly healthy 22 year-old with a healthy life-style who training for 6 months, had a stroke while running THE FIRST SIX MILES...While the contestants of this show, morbidly obese people with unhealthy life-styles were able to finish... W.T.F. and then to put a cherry on top of this, midway through this episode they showed a commercial for Subway. Apparently, Jared, the guy who lost tons of weight by eating Subway, is also running in the New York City Marathon. Good for you, Jared...
This is still an issue I really struggle with post-stroke and usually I just accept it, but occasionally I still have these W.T.F moments. Really, there isn’t any point of playing, the “Why-Me?” Game. I guess its just part of life and life isn’t always fair. Maybe my stroke happened for some reason that I’ll figure out down the line, or maybe its just a sucky part of life, I’m not sure yet. But for now...I guess I’ll just have to eat more Subway.
This is still an issue I really struggle with post-stroke and usually I just accept it, but occasionally I still have these W.T.F moments. Really, there isn’t any point of playing, the “Why-Me?” Game. I guess its just part of life and life isn’t always fair. Maybe my stroke happened for some reason that I’ll figure out down the line, or maybe its just a sucky part of life, I’m not sure yet. But for now...I guess I’ll just have to eat more Subway.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Second Chance-aversary
Today is the two year anniversary of my stroke, or as my sister lovingly named it last year, my Second Chance-aversary. It's a good day to be alive!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Detroit Marathon
Today was a good day- Detroit Marathon day! I was really excited for the Marathon this year as I was part of a Marathon Relay Team. My sister, close friends, Claire and Dan, and I collectively ran 26.2 miles. We were team “Suck it Stroke...” judge if you must, I don’t care because this weekend was about me and why the Marathon was important to me (I do what I want!...).
It was important for me because it gave me a sense of control. There was no way to prevent my stroke, and I live with the fear that it could spontaneously happen again at any moment...I have no control over that, and while it's not easy to live with that uncertainty, everyday I learn to deal with it better. What I do have control over is me, my current health and my attitude about my less-then-ideal situation. I have control of my life and the way I want to live it. For me the Marathon is a celebration of my life. Its like my second Birthday (feel free to send gifts) and it made me realize that life is very fragile and that everything could change in the blink on an eye. It's almost like my second chance to be better and I will not waste it.
Last year I ran the 5k portion of the Marathon, while the rest of my family walked it. I wouldn’t have celebrated one more year of my life any differently. I think it was a big step for my family and me because, although my stroke happened to me, it deeply impacted and changed their lives too. I know how difficult it is for me when I see them while sick or struggling in any way, so I can imagine how they felt seeing me go through what I’ve been through. They give me unwavering support each day and I am so thankful for them, I don’t think I could have gotten through the past two years without such an incredible family.
Though last year was great for me personally, during the half marathon, tragically, three runners passed away within 16 minutes of each other. I tried not to let it bother me, but it shook me up a little. I kept hearing the news reports about these poor souls and how they had been the first deaths at the marathon since 1994. I couldn’t help but to think, and be thankful, that the news reports didn’t say something like, “ 3 Runners Die during Marathon following last year’s spontaneous death of a 22-year -old runner.” Morbid, I know, but that’s what I thought about, though not for long. Because, why think about what could have been, the important part is that it didn’t happen and that I safely completed the 5k and had my family around to support me. I said a little prayer this morning for all the runners today asking for their safe being and a good race for everyone. So far, no bad news from this year, which is very uplifting!
The relay was so special and uplifting, too, because my sister, Laura, ran a leg in the relay! Laura has never been too keen on running, so this was a big endeavour that she took on during a very busy time in her life. I’m not sure she knows how much it meant to me for her to take time out of her busy life (as if planning a wedding, passing her Social Work licensing exam and managing a Federal Grant weren’t enough...) to prepare for her portion of the race, but it meant A LOT. AND best of all, I got the pleasure of training with her. This was probably the best part of it all. I got to see her go from ‘I hating running’, to ‘meh-kind of don’t hate running’ to, ‘...okay, running isn’t that bad.’ I’m pretty sure I’ve got her hooked on running and that this will be the first of many runs together to come! I’m still working on my parents, but I’ll convert them into runners one day (did you hear that mom and dad!?!?)! For now I am so grateful that they were part of this special day by walking the 5k and cheering for us while we ran.
I can’t imagine that seeing me and being in the same environment as the day of my stroke is easy for anyone. But that is another reason it is important that I be part of the marathon, I want to put my stroke behind us. I don’t want the marathon or running to be associated with my stroke. I think this is why I get so upset when people tell me they are worried or that I am crazy to keep running...Lets just get past it! So why not replace it with happy memories? I think we are getting closer to this everyday, but today helped a lot!
Though our alarms went off at an ungodly hour, around 4:30 am, we got off to a good start. The weather cooperated by basically being perfect, three cheers for Mother Nature! After getting into Downtown Detroit, Laura and I met Claire for the start of the marathon and to make sure Dan got off okay, and then we watched the start of the 5k, go Mom and Dad! We then found a warm place to wait for a while for Dan, who was running not one but TWO legs of the Marathon (totaling 12.2 miles, go Dan!!). After leaving Claire at the relay exchange station, my parents (who ROCKED the 5k!), Laura and I headed towards our own starts.
It was important for me because it gave me a sense of control. There was no way to prevent my stroke, and I live with the fear that it could spontaneously happen again at any moment...I have no control over that, and while it's not easy to live with that uncertainty, everyday I learn to deal with it better. What I do have control over is me, my current health and my attitude about my less-then-ideal situation. I have control of my life and the way I want to live it. For me the Marathon is a celebration of my life. Its like my second Birthday (feel free to send gifts) and it made me realize that life is very fragile and that everything could change in the blink on an eye. It's almost like my second chance to be better and I will not waste it.
Last year I ran the 5k portion of the Marathon, while the rest of my family walked it. I wouldn’t have celebrated one more year of my life any differently. I think it was a big step for my family and me because, although my stroke happened to me, it deeply impacted and changed their lives too. I know how difficult it is for me when I see them while sick or struggling in any way, so I can imagine how they felt seeing me go through what I’ve been through. They give me unwavering support each day and I am so thankful for them, I don’t think I could have gotten through the past two years without such an incredible family.
Though last year was great for me personally, during the half marathon, tragically, three runners passed away within 16 minutes of each other. I tried not to let it bother me, but it shook me up a little. I kept hearing the news reports about these poor souls and how they had been the first deaths at the marathon since 1994. I couldn’t help but to think, and be thankful, that the news reports didn’t say something like, “ 3 Runners Die during Marathon following last year’s spontaneous death of a 22-year -old runner.” Morbid, I know, but that’s what I thought about, though not for long. Because, why think about what could have been, the important part is that it didn’t happen and that I safely completed the 5k and had my family around to support me. I said a little prayer this morning for all the runners today asking for their safe being and a good race for everyone. So far, no bad news from this year, which is very uplifting!
The relay was so special and uplifting, too, because my sister, Laura, ran a leg in the relay! Laura has never been too keen on running, so this was a big endeavour that she took on during a very busy time in her life. I’m not sure she knows how much it meant to me for her to take time out of her busy life (as if planning a wedding, passing her Social Work licensing exam and managing a Federal Grant weren’t enough...) to prepare for her portion of the race, but it meant A LOT. AND best of all, I got the pleasure of training with her. This was probably the best part of it all. I got to see her go from ‘I hating running’, to ‘meh-kind of don’t hate running’ to, ‘...okay, running isn’t that bad.’ I’m pretty sure I’ve got her hooked on running and that this will be the first of many runs together to come! I’m still working on my parents, but I’ll convert them into runners one day (did you hear that mom and dad!?!?)! For now I am so grateful that they were part of this special day by walking the 5k and cheering for us while we ran.
I can’t imagine that seeing me and being in the same environment as the day of my stroke is easy for anyone. But that is another reason it is important that I be part of the marathon, I want to put my stroke behind us. I don’t want the marathon or running to be associated with my stroke. I think this is why I get so upset when people tell me they are worried or that I am crazy to keep running...Lets just get past it! So why not replace it with happy memories? I think we are getting closer to this everyday, but today helped a lot!
Though our alarms went off at an ungodly hour, around 4:30 am, we got off to a good start. The weather cooperated by basically being perfect, three cheers for Mother Nature! After getting into Downtown Detroit, Laura and I met Claire for the start of the marathon and to make sure Dan got off okay, and then we watched the start of the 5k, go Mom and Dad! We then found a warm place to wait for a while for Dan, who was running not one but TWO legs of the Marathon (totaling 12.2 miles, go Dan!!). After leaving Claire at the relay exchange station, my parents (who ROCKED the 5k!), Laura and I headed towards our own starts.
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| Two of my favorite people! |
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| Anxiously awaiting the start! |
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| Claire and me. |
Dan and Claire flew by their legs of the race, they are not only amazing people and friends but awesome runners too! They did great and I was so happy to be able to share the day with them! Claire ran the 6.7 mile (!) leg and passed off to Laura, who got to run an easy 3 miles around the beautiful Belle Isle. Since my start was pretty close to her start I got to see her in action. And because my mother and I are big saps, when Laura ran past us we both shed some tears. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think I was just touched by my amazing sister and her astonishing dedication to me and what this race meant to me. Did I mention how much it meant to me that she prepared for and participate in this day with me? If not, for the record, it meant more than she knows. I am so lucky to have such an unbelievably wonderful sister! AND she’s as cute as a button!
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| Seriously, how cute is she!?! |
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| My start and Laura's finish! |
She finished strong and off I went. My start was met by a nice upwards hill, nothing I couldn't handle...but, damn. I felt great during my run! My 4.4 mile finishing leg of the race included running along the Detroit river, which was beautiful (I need to explore Detroit more), and perfect weather! I was surprised along the way that what I thought was a water station was actually a cold beer station...? I can’t think of anything less I’d want to drink while running, though others seemed excited, to each their own. I happily declined and continued on my way. It's always fun to see all the spectators cheering for you, I love that these people take hours out of their lives to go and cheer on complete strangers, it wouldn’t be the same without them! I finished the marathon strong after being met by another hill (I hate hills, by the way). Dan and Claire were there to cheer me on to the finish and a few photographers took a couple of awkward pictures of me coming into the finish. Although I appreciate people documenting these moments, it's unattractive, I’m sure, and pretty awkward to try to look half way decent in these pictures... I’m fairly certain I will look like a complete tool in them...but I do like these:
Team 'Suck it Stroke!'
Meet my amazing family <3
Overall it was a pretty fantastic day, perfect weather and surrounded by people that love me, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I’m delighted that today was such a good day and that we now all have one more good memory about the Detroit Marathon and me running in it. I love and appreciate all my team members, who did great -we finished in just over 4:38! I only had a small part of it this year, and I was perfectly content. Eventually, when I have more time to train and feel more confident, I would like to do a longer leg or...dun dun dun, cross into forbidden Canada (....not anytime in the near future, though, so stop freaking out, I still hate Canada) to form even more happy memories. Today was a good day.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Consider Yourself Warned.
Today was not the best day...but consider yourself warned.
Next person who tells me I should probably not run anymore, I can't catch a break, my body is trying to tell me not to run, or that I'm crazy to keep running is going to get punched in the face. I'd like to move on from my stroke and everyone encourages this, but then they remind me of all that. COME ON.
I know what the limits of my body are, if I've learned one lesson from my stroke it's to listen to my body. This means people have to trust that I am not going to endanger myself or my health and do something I don't think I'm ready for.
I would also like to be remembered for things things than my stroke. I don't want to be defined by it and therefore, people shouldn't think of me as a weak person that is fragile. I am, in fact, not fragile and have talked EXTENSIVELY to my (many!) doctors about what I can and cannot do. They've given me the okay to keep running and thats what I'm going to do. Why? Not that it matters, but because it makes me HAPPY. So, lets be supportive.
That is all. Happier post to come. We're coming up on my two-year Second Chance-aversary!
Next person who tells me I should probably not run anymore, I can't catch a break, my body is trying to tell me not to run, or that I'm crazy to keep running is going to get punched in the face. I'd like to move on from my stroke and everyone encourages this, but then they remind me of all that. COME ON.
I know what the limits of my body are, if I've learned one lesson from my stroke it's to listen to my body. This means people have to trust that I am not going to endanger myself or my health and do something I don't think I'm ready for.
I would also like to be remembered for things things than my stroke. I don't want to be defined by it and therefore, people shouldn't think of me as a weak person that is fragile. I am, in fact, not fragile and have talked EXTENSIVELY to my (many!) doctors about what I can and cannot do. They've given me the okay to keep running and thats what I'm going to do. Why? Not that it matters, but because it makes me HAPPY. So, lets be supportive.
That is all. Happier post to come. We're coming up on my two-year Second Chance-aversary!
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