I learned something about myself over the last couple of months. I am a control freak. I had never realized this before...and I don’t think I was like this pre-stroke. But, turns out that when I’m not in control I turn into a super freak. Silly things like not being in control of my own schedule, having a lot of my future depend on a test or not knowing where or what I’ll be doing in the next year. My latest episode started during my W.T.F weekend, I think, and then quickly spiraled. I went to worrying about the future to freaking out when I forgot to bring my coupons to the store (really??...)The root cause of all this started with my newest endeavor- applying to grad school!
I am in the process of applying to Masters programs in Public Health. I decided this sometime after my stroke, but I’m not sure it was the cause of the decision. I work for a Health System Risk Management Department. At work, I see everything that could possibly go wrong in medicine. When I was getting my bachelor’s degree in Brain, Behavior and Cognitive Sciences, my end goal was going to Medical School. However, the longer I work in Risk Management the less I want to be a physician. I think there are greater problems that need to be addressed at a policy and administrative level so that patients and their families receive the care they are entitled to.
I also think that health promotion and health behavior is extremely important to stop diseases progression and prevent illnesses. This insight I gathered post-stroke. If I could have done ANYTHING to prevent my stroke, I would have done it 300%. After lots of test/theories/studies. my stroke was categorized as Spontaneous. That means that there was nothing physically wrong with me that caused my stroke, it was a freak occurrence. I’m pretty thankful that I don’t have any disease/condition that caused my stroke, but every once in a while I wish I did.
Let me explain, because I think this is why I am now a control freak. If there was something wrong with me, then doctors could monitor it and I could actively treat it. I would feel somewhat in control of my health beyond what I actively do to stay healthy. But because it was spontaneous, though the chance is low, it could happen again randomly, and that I can’t control-- that is some scary shit. This is one of the many reasons I choose to be as active and healthy as I can be. One thing that my doctors told me after my stroke is that I recovered so well because I was in such good shape. It’s scary for me to think that if it does happen again and I’m not in top physical shape the outcome could be different.
My control issue became clear as attempted to select public health programs to apply to. It is a tough decision to make for anyone, but for me it made me feel like I wasn’t in control of anything. Applying to grad school is scary enough without all the worries I live with daily. I know that uncertainty isn’t fun for anyone, but for me brings back the panic I felt laying on the side of the road in Canada not being able to get up. Even though I know that I actually have control of my life and that it will be okay, sometimes I just can’t help feeling like that. I’m sure others have known how much of a super freak I am all along....but for me it was a surprise. So, I’ve been a super freak lately, over reacting about the smallest things ..I apologize if anyone felt the full brunt of my latest episode. But hey, now I know and I can try to manage it better. I’m a super freak…but, who isn’t?
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